I know i havent been around for awhile but hopefully in the near future i can remedy that... Life has been somewhat hectic here of late. Between holidays, prom, work and everything in between i have barely had time to sleep (not that i do alot of that anyway!). Lately though i have felt alone.. it's crazy because yeah i go through times now and then that i want to be

alone but i have never FELT alone like this. I hardly use my cell phone anymore because honestly noone speaks to me. I dont know if its because they think i will fall apart or if its because i have this horrid habit now of NOT censoring myself but i get a total of MAYBE 10 texts a week(thats a HUGE cutback on what used to be 1,000+). I keep telling myself that if they cant handle what im going through and cant be a friend and help me then they aren't worth my time of effort. Hmm.. The "newest" thing goin on here of late is the JOYOUS nightmare's. I dont know if its because i am SO exhausted at the end of the day when i finally settle down to sleep or what but man are they creepy. Also new is i have decided to go back to school.. someway somehow i AM going back and NOTHING will stop that. I look at my life now and i dont want it, i want to be able to advance in a job that i love to do. Granted my absolute FAVORITE job is photography but in this world right now where i live that is not possible to make a living off of sadly. One day though one day. Ill attach a few photo's from recent days. :-) I know you will like them as well as i do. TTFN,Shea

Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo

Surgery

I have to say that the surgeries I have been through the past few weeks have just knocked any and all energy I had. I had my first surgery the 16 and it was a PCNL with Nephrostomy placement... let me tell you the nephrostomy tube is a pain in the tush!! First it hurts... then you can't sleep on your back, just the side the tube isn't on. You can't even sleep on your stomach because it feels like your insides are squished together. Weird I know!! So after 2 weeks of sleeping on the couch and having to have help do EVERYTHING I had surgery #2 which was a pcnl relook. They removed my nephrostomy tube thank god and I can sleep sortof on my back now. Surgery #2 was not quite so bad as the first with the exception of my iv had to be placed in my right foot... yes my foot. Hurt like Hell I'm not even gonna lie. While I was being prepped they ask all the annoying questions a million times and the nurse asked what I'm allergic too... upon my answer of "latex" she smirks walks around the bed and picks up my shirt hem and said "if your allergic to latex why is your nephrostomy tube and bag latex?" Uh excuse me?! Well THAT explains why my whole back has itched and been red for the past 2 weeks... and here I blamed the tape. I got to come home right after my second surgery for which I am eternally grateful for because I hate overnight stays. Friday morning I wake up and take my first round of antibiotics and so on... now when I woke up Thursday I had noticed my tongue felt weird.. like it was numb or something. Well a call to the doc confirmed it was thrush.. I thought kids only got that. Agh! My body has been so out of wack it's been crazy. I am forever grateful for a couple of nurse friends who answered any questions I have had and at odd times as well. And of course I'm thankful for my mother who helped me do everything and continues to do so till I can on my own. She is doing Steven's job if he was here and I thank her for it.

One big thing I have learned the past 7 months is that you truly find out who your friends are. So many "friends" have quit speaking to me but a choice few, very few, have stuck around and helped when I need it or have been there for me when I need to talk. Even thru the surgery those few have been there for me and for that I'm thankful!. Much love to all my friends xoxox

Fear...

Afraid. Anxious. Fearful. Panicky. Petrified. Terrified.... It all boils down to I am just plain SCARED. On Christmas Eve I spent a few dreaded hours in the ER with horrible stomach pains only to find out I had 2 BIG kidney stones. Now I am used to kidney stones and have had them off and on for years.. but i have NEVER had kidney stones so big that they took up my whole left kidney. About 2 years ago I was living in West Virginia with Steven and had to go to the ER there for kidney stones and was told I had 1 big one in my left kidney but they wouldnt do surgery until i got insurance(this was AFTER they did lithotripsy and could not break it up). So, like a dummy, i let it go until now. So why am I scared? Terrified? Fearful? Well after going to the Urologist (I highly reccomend Arkansas Urology they are all so nice!) I am having surgery Thursday morning. I am going in to get a Nephrostomy Tube and then they are doing Percutaneous nephrolithotomy or PCNL for short.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Percutaneous_nephrolithotomyThis is a fairly "simple" procedure I was assured but the biggest worry is Sepsis. Of course I am worried about all kinds of things happening.I have always been the one to worry excessively.
I believe the biggest reason that I am so scared is because this is the first "BIG" thing to happen since Steven died and honestly I miss his wisdom and the way he could always calm me down. He ALWAYS had something smart-assed to say and then would tell me everything would be ok and that I shouldn't worry about anything at all then give me a HUGE bear hug. Man do I miss him.
On another note 1/15/14 is 7 long months since my handsome, sweet, generous, loving man left me. It is so HARD to believe that June will be 1 year since that horrible day.
　
Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful night. Im sure you will hear LOTS from me over the next few days/weeks since I wont be able to do much.
XOXO -A

Holidays... expect the unexpected

Well it's been awhile .... I was blogging semi-religiously for awhile and come to find out they weren't posting .. possibly a good thing.
The holidays have been seriously hard, people told me they would be but honestly I thought I could do it without crying daily ... yup I FAILED miserably. But that is ok. I will get through this on my own time and how I want too. One huge reason this has been so hard for me is on Christmas Eve, amidst our family get together, I got sick. Seriously sick. Ended up in the ER for most of the night and was miserable till the pain and nausea meds hit me. Yup, I'm the not-so-happy-about-it wonder of not one, or two but THREE kidney stones. One is small enough to pass but the other two are 2 & 3 centimeters big. Wayyy to big to big to pass. It was my first ER trip without Steven. :-( what made it worse was the nurse who triaged me asked if I was pregnant MULTIPLE times and I kept insisting there was absolutely no way I could be and of course she asked why not. Like that was her business why.. but I explained my husband passed away 6 months ago and this broad has the audacity to ask what happened ... I was livid. Not only was I sitting there in horrible pain but was trying to not puke all over her expensive tennis shoes and she's more curious as to how my husband died. I just don't get some people. So that was my holiday in a nut shell... fun right?
Well the presents and spending time with my family was really fun till I started feeling bad. So here's hoping everyone else had a Merry Christmas and will have a very Happy New Years!

Butterflies and Jimmy Buffet

You might ask what they both have in common and in a simple word.... Signs. Signs that Steven is looking over me signs of encouragement from him. Its taken me 5 months to fully realize that's what these where. About 1 month after the day of his passing I turned on the radio and one of Jimmy Buffets song's was on the radio and I forced myself to listen to it. I cannot STAND some of the man's songs and, of course, Steven was big into his music so it was the least I could do to listen to it. After that day on my really bad 'force myself out of bed get dressed and make myself go to work' days I would always see butterflies .. not one or two but many all at once. Today,sadly, was one of the above mentioned days.. and let me tell you it was a doozy!! I cried and cried all day at the smallest things and it was just not turning out how I wanted it too... so on my way to work the exact same Jimmy buffet song came on and suddenly I was at peace. I smiles and ,surprisingly, sang along to the horrid song. I'm still not a fan of Buffet but from now on I'll always think of my wonderful loving husband by listening to Jimmy Buffet & searching for butterflies ....

Emotions

Excuse my untogetherness ... it's been one of those hard weeks and I ramble a lot in this post

Emotions..... they play such a huge part in our day to day lives. Today was one of those dollar coaster emotional days for me.. I had a dream about Steven then when I woke up I was happy a little later furious and then just downright sad. The only reason I even cracked a smile today was because of some good work buddies cracking me up with their antics at work. I noticed that I keep my feelings mostly to myself.... when I'm around people I laugh and chat away but as soon as I know I'll be alone for awhile the sadness is back. Very very few times have I actually let the feelings come out in public. Not going to lie, if I did let my feelings out in front of people they'd think I was nuts. I have found that since Steve passed when I get agitated my tongue becomes quite loose and I let people know what I really think about them...and that's not always a good thing! So the past few days when I start feeling like I'm going to lose it, I walk into the kitchen, stand in front of the fridge and look at the picture my niece drew for me.  she always reminds me that no matter what there are people who still love and care about me and that I need to keep calm and (her words) that it's ok to cry sometimes.

Sometimes you just need a child's logic to get yourself back on track....

Picture from Grief the unspoken