Slacker...

I have really slacked off in writing on my blogs the last months... so much has happened and there is so much I want to share so I'll give the condensed version.

In November I went too CNA school and December I started my new job. Needless to say I love it even though there are some days that are stressful.  I am in the memory care unit and love it and my residents.

Christmas came and went and last of December my best friend had her precious baby boy who I love so much. That sweet baby boy can make me smile so big!! He has this eyebrow thing he does and it reminds me of steven.

I aquired a new vehicle this spring/summer (depending on what you call may). It's the first vehicle I have bought brand new and I'm so proud of myself! I know steven is super proud of me as well.

Saturday I had an actual GIRLS NIGHT OUT! The first since steven passed. It was so relaxing and fun. We went out to Willy D's in LR and sang the night away.

Last but not least... today is my 26th birthday. Another year gone by that steven can't be with me to celebrate. It's been a chill kind of day... slept in a little bit then went to my sisters with my brother and his gf.

So that is my life the last few months... and with the 2 year anniversary coming up the 15th I'll be around I'm sure.

School and Holidays!

Well the last few weeks have been CRAZY!! First was Thanksgiving and it was my second without Steven and it was super hard. I just didn't want to be there at all but for the sake of my family I endured. The Friday before turkey day I walked out of my job. I have NEVER just walked out like that but I was done with the childish people and being treated like shit. That monday I started CNA school and yesterday I graduated with a 97%!!!! I am so super excited about this new journey in my life and I look at it as a brand new start in life. I still have to pass the state boards and will be nervous about that but until then I have time to study. I am anxious about the place I will be working at.. it's a brand new facility with lots of new people. During clinicals I was in the alzheimers unit and I absolutely loved it and would love the chance to work with them full time. But we shall see.

As Christmas nears I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I am so alone. I suppose it is from starting a new job, being without a vehicle, in a new house and just plain missing Steven. I will try to keep myself busy but it's hard when I don't have a car to go places so I can take pictures.

Blogging for a year.. sort of

http://hishoneysucklerose.blogspot.com/2013/11/i-have-battled-long-and-hard-on-how-i.html#gpluscomments


I just realized that November 3, 2013 was my very first blog post! Sadly, I have only made

24 post's in the last year alone(not including this one of course). But I have resolved that I WILL post more, life just sometimes gets in the way of things.

This last year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, I must admit. In this last year so much has went on its insane. Of course the Holidays last year, as with this year, kind of sucked. On Christmas Eve I spent the whole night in the ER with a kidney stone, then in January I had a PCNL w/ Nephrolithotomy done and had to have that horrible Nephrostomy Tube for a good 4 weeks... it sucked, big time. After that I had several surgeries over the next 6 months but a week after my last one my precious nephew made his appearance into this world! Now I will not lie, I have never been one to just like boy's. I always wanted a girl and just could not get excited about a baby boy... until I saw him for the first time and I just FELL. IN. LOVE!!!!! He is growing like a weed and trying his hardest to crawl. His 2 sister's just love him to death, though it took the youngest sister a little while to get used to him. Kinsey is now 3 years old and cute as a button. She has started to want to dress up and be all girly now, which of course I love. Now if only I could get her to sit still long enough to take her picture that would be great. Lol! Susan has a birthday coming up in January and will be 8 and it makes me feel so old! She's so tall now and such a beautiful girl. She loves cheesing for the camera but I still have a hard time getting her to sit still long enough to take an actual good picture. Another new thing this year is I moved out of my parent's house and into a house with a good friend of mine. It was hard for the first month as I am used to someone ALWAYS being there. Though I am currently without a car and so I am almost always with my roommate it was still something to get used too.
My roommate is getting ready to have her own little boy and I am so excited about it! Cooper will be one spoilt little boy between the both of us. He already has so many clothes.. it's hard to quit buying them for him. :-) I am currently trying to get back into my photography a little more. I miss it but at the same time with my new position at work I dont have the time for it much. I believe I will start trying to take one new photo a week and then up it to a day after a month or so just so I can keep it up. Practice makes perfect they say (and it also keeps my mind off of a lot of things). I have noticed here lately I will have the occasional bad night but otherwise things are getting just a little bit better now. There are still triggers but then again there will ALWAYS be something that triggers my memory of Steven. More recently I could have SWORE I heard him when I went to visit my parent's a few weeks ago. I walked into the house and went into my parent's bathroom to get something and the house was completely empty except for Kris and myself and I thought I heard him say "hey what are you doing here?". I was kind of heart broken when I walked through the doorway and he wasn't there, but in my heart I knew that he wouldnt be there anyway. :(

The fault in our stars. ...

Tonight my roommate and I watched the fault in our stars. Let me tell you that's a heart wrenching movie.... it got me too thinking of my last days with Steven and even tho we didn't know it was our last days I wouldn't trade what we did in for anything.
This movie also hit home because this week or widow family last a sweet young lady to cancer.  She was absolutely gorgeous and had 6 beautiful kids who she has left behind. I believe Valarie was here to teach us how to live again. .. Perhaps Not  how we once did but to feel a little alive once more.

I hate to admit it but I have been depressed. I miss Steven so much it hurts. Physically hurts. You know when you watch wrestling and someone gets body slammed and you cringe because you know it had to hurt really bad?  That kind of hurt. ...only worse.

Perhaps watching this movie was a horrible idea after all. ......

All by myself....

So this weekend I got the "chance" to see what it would be like living alone if I chose to do so... let me tell you, I effin HATE it!! My roommate is down in Dallas visiting her Godfather and I'm all alone till tomorrow. It has been an experience honestly... I have never had a problem being alone until after Steve died. I spent the whole day avoiding coming home to an empty house, well the dogs were here....
I spent a big part of the day at my sister's.  We went shopping and scored some great deals (much to her husbands dismay) and then went home to the kids. Man let me tell you something, those kids are my saving grace. They may be loud, they might bicker and they might grab hold of my leg and beg me not to leave while screaming at the top of their lungs... but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Its always an experience over there. From Susan asking questions about all kinds of things (I'm not kidding you just don't know what she will ask!), to Kinsey telling me she loves me a million times and immediately growling at me, to sweet baby Logan's smiles and cuddles. These kids have saved my life more than once and I'm not gonna lie... my sister has as well. I was close to my siblings before but more so now. I love you guys!
After I left my sister's I dropped by my parents with intentions of staying only a few minutes.  Those few minutes turned into almost 2 hours. Mom and I talked about a sweet widow friend of mine who has cancer and is in hospice. Val has 6 kids with the youngest set of twins being months old.  I have not met Val personally but I love her so much, I wish there was something more that I can do besides give what little I can to her fund. After a good talk with mom we went to see my monster, Tantrum, and checked on the baby calves they have. So adorable!  Upon getting home the puppies were glad to see me... and it was bored to death from there! I have been going through pictures of Steve and I for the past several hours and had a good long cry. I miss that man so much. 
This is why I hate being alone. .. quiet makes me think and remember. Memories are great just sometimes its too much to handle.

Xoxo

Happy Birthday and Anniversary My Love <3

August 22, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. I not only married my best friend but it was also his birthday. Win win situation for him so he'd never forget. Little did I know it'd be a 1-2 punch to me almost 2 years later celebrating what was supposed to be our second anniversary that never happened. On 8/22/11 I will never forget how blasted HOT it was! We had to run all over and set things up. . Came home and threw our clothes on to get hitched on the front porch. Sure it seemed like a good idea.. except it was so humid you could have drowned in your own sweat. Ill also never forget that halfway through the ceremony susan (eldest niece) realized what was happening and started bawling that her aunt ash won't be here to play with her anymore. Broke my heart! Afterwards was cupcakes with the family and then the next day packing for the long trip to west Virginia.
Last year, my first anniversary/birthday without steven, I asked everyone to post sunset pictures and again this year. He always loved to sit with me and watch the sun set. This year so many friends and family participated and I just want to say thank you. Thank you so very much! I know you don't know what to say sometimes but I don't expect you too.. just being there for me has been enough.  I know I am not the easiest to get along with now and I tank god every day that I have friends like yall to make each day a little bit easier to take.

Here are a few sunsets I have saved to my phone that were taken. I will have a post up soon with all of them along with names and states/countries taken in. Xoxo

The last month..

Today starts what was Steve's last month here. He had just gotten back from West Virginia and getting back into the swing of things. He was in WV for a month for his father's funeral and visiting friends and the month before that was in the hospital for MRSA. That seems like I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him. The last 11 months have been a challenge.  Sometimes it was pure hell especially all the holidays. :-(
A few weeks ago I was without the internet for awhile and when I got back online I discovered someone had deleted his Facebook. That was one of the WORST nights I have had in a ling time. Since I had lost so many of our pictures due to that unfortunate event I decided to show a few pictures from our wedding till his last days. The few that I have anyway.
Much love and hugs to all.

I know i havent been around for awhile but hopefully in the near future i can remedy that... Life has been somewhat hectic here of late. Between holidays, prom, work and everything in between i have barely had time to sleep (not that i do alot of that anyway!). Lately though i have felt alone.. it's crazy because yeah i go through times now and then that i want to be

alone but i have never FELT alone like this. I hardly use my cell phone anymore because honestly noone speaks to me. I dont know if its because they think i will fall apart or if its because i have this horrid habit now of NOT censoring myself but i get a total of MAYBE 10 texts a week(thats a HUGE cutback on what used to be 1,000+). I keep telling myself that if they cant handle what im going through and cant be a friend and help me then they aren't worth my time of effort. Hmm.. The "newest" thing goin on here of late is the JOYOUS nightmare's. I dont know if its because i am SO exhausted at the end of the day when i finally settle down to sleep or what but man are they creepy. Also new is i have decided to go back to school.. someway somehow i AM going back and NOTHING will stop that. I look at my life now and i dont want it, i want to be able to advance in a job that i love to do. Granted my absolute FAVORITE job is photography but in this world right now where i live that is not possible to make a living off of sadly. One day though one day. Ill attach a few photo's from recent days. :-) I know you will like them as well as i do. TTFN,Shea

Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo