All by myself....

So this weekend I got the "chance" to see what it would be like living alone if I chose to do so... let me tell you, I effin HATE it!! My roommate is down in Dallas visiting her Godfather and I'm all alone till tomorrow. It has been an experience honestly... I have never had a problem being alone until after Steve died. I spent the whole day avoiding coming home to an empty house, well the dogs were here....
I spent a big part of the day at my sister's.  We went shopping and scored some great deals (much to her husbands dismay) and then went home to the kids. Man let me tell you something, those kids are my saving grace. They may be loud, they might bicker and they might grab hold of my leg and beg me not to leave while screaming at the top of their lungs... but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Its always an experience over there. From Susan asking questions about all kinds of things (I'm not kidding you just don't know what she will ask!), to Kinsey telling me she loves me a million times and immediately growling at me, to sweet baby Logan's smiles and cuddles. These kids have saved my life more than once and I'm not gonna lie... my sister has as well. I was close to my siblings before but more so now. I love you guys!
After I left my sister's I dropped by my parents with intentions of staying only a few minutes.  Those few minutes turned into almost 2 hours. Mom and I talked about a sweet widow friend of mine who has cancer and is in hospice. Val has 6 kids with the youngest set of twins being months old.  I have not met Val personally but I love her so much, I wish there was something more that I can do besides give what little I can to her fund. After a good talk with mom we went to see my monster, Tantrum, and checked on the baby calves they have. So adorable!  Upon getting home the puppies were glad to see me... and it was bored to death from there! I have been going through pictures of Steve and I for the past several hours and had a good long cry. I miss that man so much. 
This is why I hate being alone. .. quiet makes me think and remember. Memories are great just sometimes its too much to handle.

Xoxo

Emotions

Excuse my untogetherness ... it's been one of those hard weeks and I ramble a lot in this post

Emotions..... they play such a huge part in our day to day lives. Today was one of those dollar coaster emotional days for me.. I had a dream about Steven then when I woke up I was happy a little later furious and then just downright sad. The only reason I even cracked a smile today was because of some good work buddies cracking me up with their antics at work. I noticed that I keep my feelings mostly to myself.... when I'm around people I laugh and chat away but as soon as I know I'll be alone for awhile the sadness is back. Very very few times have I actually let the feelings come out in public. Not going to lie, if I did let my feelings out in front of people they'd think I was nuts. I have found that since Steve passed when I get agitated my tongue becomes quite loose and I let people know what I really think about them...and that's not always a good thing! So the past few days when I start feeling like I'm going to lose it, I walk into the kitchen, stand in front of the fridge and look at the picture my niece drew for me.  she always reminds me that no matter what there are people who still love and care about me and that I need to keep calm and (her words) that it's ok to cry sometimes.

Sometimes you just need a child's logic to get yourself back on track....

Picture from Grief the unspoken