Slacker...

I have really slacked off in writing on my blogs the last months... so much has happened and there is so much I want to share so I'll give the condensed version.

In November I went too CNA school and December I started my new job. Needless to say I love it even though there are some days that are stressful.  I am in the memory care unit and love it and my residents.

Christmas came and went and last of December my best friend had her precious baby boy who I love so much. That sweet baby boy can make me smile so big!! He has this eyebrow thing he does and it reminds me of steven.

I aquired a new vehicle this spring/summer (depending on what you call may). It's the first vehicle I have bought brand new and I'm so proud of myself! I know steven is super proud of me as well.

Saturday I had an actual GIRLS NIGHT OUT! The first since steven passed. It was so relaxing and fun. We went out to Willy D's in LR and sang the night away.

Last but not least... today is my 26th birthday. Another year gone by that steven can't be with me to celebrate. It's been a chill kind of day... slept in a little bit then went to my sisters with my brother and his gf.

So that is my life the last few months... and with the 2 year anniversary coming up the 15th I'll be around I'm sure.

Blogging for a year.. sort of

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I just realized that November 3, 2013 was my very first blog post! Sadly, I have only made

24 post's in the last year alone(not including this one of course). But I have resolved that I WILL post more, life just sometimes gets in the way of things.

This last year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, I must admit. In this last year so much has went on its insane. Of course the Holidays last year, as with this year, kind of sucked. On Christmas Eve I spent the whole night in the ER with a kidney stone, then in January I had a PCNL w/ Nephrolithotomy done and had to have that horrible Nephrostomy Tube for a good 4 weeks... it sucked, big time. After that I had several surgeries over the next 6 months but a week after my last one my precious nephew made his appearance into this world! Now I will not lie, I have never been one to just like boy's. I always wanted a girl and just could not get excited about a baby boy... until I saw him for the first time and I just FELL. IN. LOVE!!!!! He is growing like a weed and trying his hardest to crawl. His 2 sister's just love him to death, though it took the youngest sister a little while to get used to him. Kinsey is now 3 years old and cute as a button. She has started to want to dress up and be all girly now, which of course I love. Now if only I could get her to sit still long enough to take her picture that would be great. Lol! Susan has a birthday coming up in January and will be 8 and it makes me feel so old! She's so tall now and such a beautiful girl. She loves cheesing for the camera but I still have a hard time getting her to sit still long enough to take an actual good picture. Another new thing this year is I moved out of my parent's house and into a house with a good friend of mine. It was hard for the first month as I am used to someone ALWAYS being there. Though I am currently without a car and so I am almost always with my roommate it was still something to get used too.
My roommate is getting ready to have her own little boy and I am so excited about it! Cooper will be one spoilt little boy between the both of us. He already has so many clothes.. it's hard to quit buying them for him. :-) I am currently trying to get back into my photography a little more. I miss it but at the same time with my new position at work I dont have the time for it much. I believe I will start trying to take one new photo a week and then up it to a day after a month or so just so I can keep it up. Practice makes perfect they say (and it also keeps my mind off of a lot of things). I have noticed here lately I will have the occasional bad night but otherwise things are getting just a little bit better now. There are still triggers but then again there will ALWAYS be something that triggers my memory of Steven. More recently I could have SWORE I heard him when I went to visit my parent's a few weeks ago. I walked into the house and went into my parent's bathroom to get something and the house was completely empty except for Kris and myself and I thought I heard him say "hey what are you doing here?". I was kind of heart broken when I walked through the doorway and he wasn't there, but in my heart I knew that he wouldnt be there anyway. :(

All by myself....

So this weekend I got the "chance" to see what it would be like living alone if I chose to do so... let me tell you, I effin HATE it!! My roommate is down in Dallas visiting her Godfather and I'm all alone till tomorrow. It has been an experience honestly... I have never had a problem being alone until after Steve died. I spent the whole day avoiding coming home to an empty house, well the dogs were here....
I spent a big part of the day at my sister's.  We went shopping and scored some great deals (much to her husbands dismay) and then went home to the kids. Man let me tell you something, those kids are my saving grace. They may be loud, they might bicker and they might grab hold of my leg and beg me not to leave while screaming at the top of their lungs... but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Its always an experience over there. From Susan asking questions about all kinds of things (I'm not kidding you just don't know what she will ask!), to Kinsey telling me she loves me a million times and immediately growling at me, to sweet baby Logan's smiles and cuddles. These kids have saved my life more than once and I'm not gonna lie... my sister has as well. I was close to my siblings before but more so now. I love you guys!
After I left my sister's I dropped by my parents with intentions of staying only a few minutes.  Those few minutes turned into almost 2 hours. Mom and I talked about a sweet widow friend of mine who has cancer and is in hospice. Val has 6 kids with the youngest set of twins being months old.  I have not met Val personally but I love her so much, I wish there was something more that I can do besides give what little I can to her fund. After a good talk with mom we went to see my monster, Tantrum, and checked on the baby calves they have. So adorable!  Upon getting home the puppies were glad to see me... and it was bored to death from there! I have been going through pictures of Steve and I for the past several hours and had a good long cry. I miss that man so much. 
This is why I hate being alone. .. quiet makes me think and remember. Memories are great just sometimes its too much to handle.

Xoxo

Happy Birthday and Anniversary My Love <3

August 22, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. I not only married my best friend but it was also his birthday. Win win situation for him so he'd never forget. Little did I know it'd be a 1-2 punch to me almost 2 years later celebrating what was supposed to be our second anniversary that never happened. On 8/22/11 I will never forget how blasted HOT it was! We had to run all over and set things up. . Came home and threw our clothes on to get hitched on the front porch. Sure it seemed like a good idea.. except it was so humid you could have drowned in your own sweat. Ill also never forget that halfway through the ceremony susan (eldest niece) realized what was happening and started bawling that her aunt ash won't be here to play with her anymore. Broke my heart! Afterwards was cupcakes with the family and then the next day packing for the long trip to west Virginia.
Last year, my first anniversary/birthday without steven, I asked everyone to post sunset pictures and again this year. He always loved to sit with me and watch the sun set. This year so many friends and family participated and I just want to say thank you. Thank you so very much! I know you don't know what to say sometimes but I don't expect you too.. just being there for me has been enough.  I know I am not the easiest to get along with now and I tank god every day that I have friends like yall to make each day a little bit easier to take.

Here are a few sunsets I have saved to my phone that were taken. I will have a post up soon with all of them along with names and states/countries taken in. Xoxo

Weddings & Birthdays

August 22 2011 was one of the happiest days of my life... It was the day I said I Do to the man I love. Our 3yr anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I'm preparing for it. It's also his birthday... Our first year apart I asked friends and family to post pictures of their sunset for us. Sunset was our time.. We both love how the world looks when the sun slips behind the trees and leaves its last glow upon the world before it gives way to let the moon take center stage. So my friends and family, again this year please post your sunset pictures and the location/city/state/country where it was taken. I will be at work on that day but hopefully can slip out long enough to take my picture.. And remember it doesn't have to be that day... It can be any day. Because every day there is a precious sunset to capture... Xoxoxo 

Days after losing the love of my life ^

2013/july

Sometime in 2013 .. Fall

July 2014

June 2014

July 2014

*****all photographs are owned by me please do not share without prior approval. Blog story itself can be shared, not individual photos. Thank you. ******

Holidays...

Holidays... for some reason some are harder than others. Not that every day isn't hard but on holidays its just a little bit harder to get out of bed. A little bit (ok a lot) harder too be around people and a whole lot harder to be happy. I'm not gonna lie its ridiculously hard to keep this happy go lucky almost always smiling look on my face.  I have to say I'm proud of myself.  I made it through our anniversary and his birthday, both the same day, just 2 months after he died. I got through thanksgiving and Christmas and new years...even Valentine's day. But after the one year angelversary I feel like I'm losing it! This will by my second 4th of July without him and it hurts so bad. I feel like I'm becoming that mean bitter person that snaps at everyone and cannot be happy that you see in all of the movies. I'm not able to be happy for everyone anymore... amazingly enough I can be super nice to people who aren't family (friends at work) and to my siblings but everyone else I just want to slam a frying pan up against their head because they just get on my damn nerves.
Wow I got a little off topic today didn't I? :-) its ok though because I needed to get it off my chest.
Anyway this fourth I am dreading it... just dreading it. I'm going to love seeing my Adorable energetic nieces and my absolutely adorable brand new nephew but the happiness is gonna drive me up the wall. But at the end of the day I can come to my bedroom, crawl into my bed and hug his picture to my chest. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy and I'm trying. I'm honestly trying. Its just hard to be happy when your heart is breaking every single second of every single day.

♥♡♥ I love you sweetheart always and forever ♡♥♡

June 15, 2013

June 15, 2013
For so many people that's just another day of the year. This year its fathers day. Last year it was a Saturday. . The last Saturday my soul mate said I love you to me. I have been wondering for weeks what I will do on this day. Will I cry all day? Will I stay in bed?  Or will I try to act like its just another day in this long hard journey?  Well... I guess we shall find out but I'm sure ill do all of the above plus some.

The following is a rough sum of that day... if you don't want to know then just exit out but this is part of my personal grieving process.

Looking back on everything that happened that day is a freaking nightmare.  I'm sitting here remembering where I was and what I was doing. At 11:10pm the night before I was impatiently waiting for midnight so I could leave work and fo eat at ihop with friends from work. At 12 I was hopping in my car heading two minutes up the road to ihop and by 12:15 seated and ordering food while texting Steve. I didn't lwave ihop that night until 5 am (ish). I had been talking with a friend about our dogs. I stopped at the valero by the house and grabbed Steve a coke and was home by the time it was daylight. We talked for a bit and I layed down to sleep and a little later he moved me over so he could sleep. A little later his breathing woke up bc I knew it was off.. I woke up completely and realized he was having a seizure. After running outside to call 911 (and was put on hold for a minute) the first responders finally came and soon after the ambulance. I begged and pleaded with him ti stay with me the whole time before they got there. They loaded him and where supposed to rake him to st Josephs hospital and a few minutes larer I followed.. only when I got there he wasn't there. He had coded and they took him to arkadelphia to the hospital. By the time I was going through Bismarck I felt he had gone. Just felt it in my bones. Its nothing I could ever truly explain. When I reached the hospital I didn't have anything to say..not even when the doctor told me they did everything they could. There are, in fact, no words that you can say or anyone else can say. There is nothing that can bring the love of your life back. I fell apart that day. I became a completely different person. I don't laugh as much, I'm very down a lot. I'm more straightforward and don't mince words any longer. I don't care about others feelings unless its someone I'm really close too. I have a handful of true friends and some of those I even have to wonder about. This whole experience has been a nightmare and not one I'd wish on the most evil person on this earth.

Happy Angelversary my darling. I miss you more than words can say. All my love, your Honeysuckle Rose

I know i havent been around for awhile but hopefully in the near future i can remedy that... Life has been somewhat hectic here of late. Between holidays, prom, work and everything in between i have barely had time to sleep (not that i do alot of that anyway!). Lately though i have felt alone.. it's crazy because yeah i go through times now and then that i want to be

alone but i have never FELT alone like this. I hardly use my cell phone anymore because honestly noone speaks to me. I dont know if its because they think i will fall apart or if its because i have this horrid habit now of NOT censoring myself but i get a total of MAYBE 10 texts a week(thats a HUGE cutback on what used to be 1,000+). I keep telling myself that if they cant handle what im going through and cant be a friend and help me then they aren't worth my time of effort. Hmm.. The "newest" thing goin on here of late is the JOYOUS nightmare's. I dont know if its because i am SO exhausted at the end of the day when i finally settle down to sleep or what but man are they creepy. Also new is i have decided to go back to school.. someway somehow i AM going back and NOTHING will stop that. I look at my life now and i dont want it, i want to be able to advance in a job that i love to do. Granted my absolute FAVORITE job is photography but in this world right now where i live that is not possible to make a living off of sadly. One day though one day. Ill attach a few photo's from recent days. :-) I know you will like them as well as i do. TTFN,Shea

Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo

I have sat here for the past 30-ish minutes trying desperately to figure out what exactly I wanted to talk about tonight when something my eldest niece said this weekend jumped out at me. We had been to take to fall pictures down by the lake and when we got home as we all climbed out of the car she said to her mom "I miss Uncle Steve". Let me tell you that just broke my heart right then and there. It wasn't the first time she has said that and it won't be the last time I am sure, but how do you respond to that? Thankfully my sister came right back with "we all do". It does not surprise me that she misses her uncle even if he wasn't in her life for that long and didn't really truly get to know her like I do, he still loved her and she sure loved him. I will never forget the day of our wedding... let me set the scene for you... 

From where this was taken everyone was there on the grass watching... About midway through my niece realized something.. this GUY she didn't know much about was taking her Aunt Ash away from her, so far that she couldn't visit me whenever she wanted too. I remember looking up to Steven crackin a huge grin and giggling as my dad was speaking and I raised an eyebrow thinking I had missed some little funny dad had said and didn't get a chance to ask until later that night what that grin was about. When I did ask him his reply was this "oh you didn't hear her... She realized I was the bad guy taking you away from her and she started crying saying that she wouldn't get to see her Aunt Ash anymore". Let me tell you folk's I have a huge soft heart for this girl... and I nearly lost it when he told me this because I had battled for month's on if we should move to West Virginia or stay in Arkansas. West Virginia won... of course. I have this thing for adventures you see.... 

Anyway we lived in WV for almost a year till we moved back here in June 2012 and so she really didn't get to know him well except for when we came down for Christmas. 

I realized he had finally won her over in Feb of this year when we took her out for her birthday. Since we had missed her last one being so far away we decided to take her out to Krispy Kreme and she wanted shrimp from Captain D's. So that's what she got. While we where out we took her to Hasting's to get a book but as it turned out.... she and steven bonded. Over, of all things, Comic books. The thing I knew nothing about and she knew nothing about, but once she found out they had TMNT comic's she was all over that stuff. I forget how long we stayed in that store but after that day every time she climbed into my car she would grab up one of the many many comic's in the backseat and read away. After that day they got along perfectly fine. 

That is one of the best memories I have of the two sillies together... Always with their heads in a comic book till we got to wherever we where going. So whenever she tells me she misses her uncle all I can do is grab her up in a huge hug and whisper how much I miss him too and remind her how he is watching over us.