School and Holidays!

Well the last few weeks have been CRAZY!! First was Thanksgiving and it was my second without Steven and it was super hard. I just didn't want to be there at all but for the sake of my family I endured. The Friday before turkey day I walked out of my job. I have NEVER just walked out like that but I was done with the childish people and being treated like shit. That monday I started CNA school and yesterday I graduated with a 97%!!!! I am so super excited about this new journey in my life and I look at it as a brand new start in life. I still have to pass the state boards and will be nervous about that but until then I have time to study. I am anxious about the place I will be working at.. it's a brand new facility with lots of new people. During clinicals I was in the alzheimers unit and I absolutely loved it and would love the chance to work with them full time. But we shall see.

As Christmas nears I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I am so alone. I suppose it is from starting a new job, being without a vehicle, in a new house and just plain missing Steven. I will try to keep myself busy but it's hard when I don't have a car to go places so I can take pictures.

Blogging for a year.. sort of

http://hishoneysucklerose.blogspot.com/2013/11/i-have-battled-long-and-hard-on-how-i.html#gpluscomments


I just realized that November 3, 2013 was my very first blog post! Sadly, I have only made

24 post's in the last year alone(not including this one of course). But I have resolved that I WILL post more, life just sometimes gets in the way of things.

This last year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, I must admit. In this last year so much has went on its insane. Of course the Holidays last year, as with this year, kind of sucked. On Christmas Eve I spent the whole night in the ER with a kidney stone, then in January I had a PCNL w/ Nephrolithotomy done and had to have that horrible Nephrostomy Tube for a good 4 weeks... it sucked, big time. After that I had several surgeries over the next 6 months but a week after my last one my precious nephew made his appearance into this world! Now I will not lie, I have never been one to just like boy's. I always wanted a girl and just could not get excited about a baby boy... until I saw him for the first time and I just FELL. IN. LOVE!!!!! He is growing like a weed and trying his hardest to crawl. His 2 sister's just love him to death, though it took the youngest sister a little while to get used to him. Kinsey is now 3 years old and cute as a button. She has started to want to dress up and be all girly now, which of course I love. Now if only I could get her to sit still long enough to take her picture that would be great. Lol! Susan has a birthday coming up in January and will be 8 and it makes me feel so old! She's so tall now and such a beautiful girl. She loves cheesing for the camera but I still have a hard time getting her to sit still long enough to take an actual good picture. Another new thing this year is I moved out of my parent's house and into a house with a good friend of mine. It was hard for the first month as I am used to someone ALWAYS being there. Though I am currently without a car and so I am almost always with my roommate it was still something to get used too.
My roommate is getting ready to have her own little boy and I am so excited about it! Cooper will be one spoilt little boy between the both of us. He already has so many clothes.. it's hard to quit buying them for him. :-) I am currently trying to get back into my photography a little more. I miss it but at the same time with my new position at work I dont have the time for it much. I believe I will start trying to take one new photo a week and then up it to a day after a month or so just so I can keep it up. Practice makes perfect they say (and it also keeps my mind off of a lot of things). I have noticed here lately I will have the occasional bad night but otherwise things are getting just a little bit better now. There are still triggers but then again there will ALWAYS be something that triggers my memory of Steven. More recently I could have SWORE I heard him when I went to visit my parent's a few weeks ago. I walked into the house and went into my parent's bathroom to get something and the house was completely empty except for Kris and myself and I thought I heard him say "hey what are you doing here?". I was kind of heart broken when I walked through the doorway and he wasn't there, but in my heart I knew that he wouldnt be there anyway. :(

The fault in our stars. ...

Tonight my roommate and I watched the fault in our stars. Let me tell you that's a heart wrenching movie.... it got me too thinking of my last days with Steven and even tho we didn't know it was our last days I wouldn't trade what we did in for anything.
This movie also hit home because this week or widow family last a sweet young lady to cancer.  She was absolutely gorgeous and had 6 beautiful kids who she has left behind. I believe Valarie was here to teach us how to live again. .. Perhaps Not  how we once did but to feel a little alive once more.

I hate to admit it but I have been depressed. I miss Steven so much it hurts. Physically hurts. You know when you watch wrestling and someone gets body slammed and you cringe because you know it had to hurt really bad?  That kind of hurt. ...only worse.

Perhaps watching this movie was a horrible idea after all. ......

2014 Susan g Koman Race for the cure

Last weekend was the Susan G Koman Race for the Cure in Little Rock. It was my first of many years to come. I absolutely cannot wait to go next year.

All by myself....

So this weekend I got the "chance" to see what it would be like living alone if I chose to do so... let me tell you, I effin HATE it!! My roommate is down in Dallas visiting her Godfather and I'm all alone till tomorrow. It has been an experience honestly... I have never had a problem being alone until after Steve died. I spent the whole day avoiding coming home to an empty house, well the dogs were here....
I spent a big part of the day at my sister's.  We went shopping and scored some great deals (much to her husbands dismay) and then went home to the kids. Man let me tell you something, those kids are my saving grace. They may be loud, they might bicker and they might grab hold of my leg and beg me not to leave while screaming at the top of their lungs... but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Its always an experience over there. From Susan asking questions about all kinds of things (I'm not kidding you just don't know what she will ask!), to Kinsey telling me she loves me a million times and immediately growling at me, to sweet baby Logan's smiles and cuddles. These kids have saved my life more than once and I'm not gonna lie... my sister has as well. I was close to my siblings before but more so now. I love you guys!
After I left my sister's I dropped by my parents with intentions of staying only a few minutes.  Those few minutes turned into almost 2 hours. Mom and I talked about a sweet widow friend of mine who has cancer and is in hospice. Val has 6 kids with the youngest set of twins being months old.  I have not met Val personally but I love her so much, I wish there was something more that I can do besides give what little I can to her fund. After a good talk with mom we went to see my monster, Tantrum, and checked on the baby calves they have. So adorable!  Upon getting home the puppies were glad to see me... and it was bored to death from there! I have been going through pictures of Steve and I for the past several hours and had a good long cry. I miss that man so much. 
This is why I hate being alone. .. quiet makes me think and remember. Memories are great just sometimes its too much to handle.

Xoxo

Its crazy how much you can miss a person... honestly though! Most people say "I miss john, he is gone for the weekend and I won't hear from him till Monday" or "I miss jane, she's out of town for a month and I can't get and hugs kisses or even talk to her"(yess I have heard both and they are direct quotes!). The people who say things like this drive.me.INSANE!  You will always miss someone but wait until you miss that someone you can't ever hug or kiss or talk to again.. its a whole new kind of pain to deal with. I'm all the time whispering in the dark to Steve even though he isn't there, just because it makes thw pain of him not physically being here a little bit easier to bear. Until this last week anyway..... I moved out of my parents house this weekend and its been difficult making the adjustment. Now don't judge... I lived with my parents for the last year because I physically Cannot live alone. I can't stand to be alone in a house for more than a few hours and if I have to be I will end up goin out to Wal-Mart or a grocery store or something. Being aline is linked too missing the other half of my heart.

Big changes!

I have had some crazy changes the past few weeks! I am the new second shift lead at work and this is official on monday... super nervous girl here! I also moved out of my parents house this weekend. I still can't stand to live alone so I have a roomie but its still a major step for me. I'm not gonna lie I'm worried that I can't do this(no kal I'm not gonna back out). Its the whole fact that this is completely out of my comfort zone. Staying at my parents I was comfortable and had a routine and, of course,  no bills to pay. I'm one of those annoying people who worry about their bills and check their bank account a gazillion times a day. I can't help it!
I know that Steve is cheering me on for taking these big steps.

Happy Birthday and Anniversary My Love <3

August 22, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. I not only married my best friend but it was also his birthday. Win win situation for him so he'd never forget. Little did I know it'd be a 1-2 punch to me almost 2 years later celebrating what was supposed to be our second anniversary that never happened. On 8/22/11 I will never forget how blasted HOT it was! We had to run all over and set things up. . Came home and threw our clothes on to get hitched on the front porch. Sure it seemed like a good idea.. except it was so humid you could have drowned in your own sweat. Ill also never forget that halfway through the ceremony susan (eldest niece) realized what was happening and started bawling that her aunt ash won't be here to play with her anymore. Broke my heart! Afterwards was cupcakes with the family and then the next day packing for the long trip to west Virginia.
Last year, my first anniversary/birthday without steven, I asked everyone to post sunset pictures and again this year. He always loved to sit with me and watch the sun set. This year so many friends and family participated and I just want to say thank you. Thank you so very much! I know you don't know what to say sometimes but I don't expect you too.. just being there for me has been enough.  I know I am not the easiest to get along with now and I tank god every day that I have friends like yall to make each day a little bit easier to take.

Here are a few sunsets I have saved to my phone that were taken. I will have a post up soon with all of them along with names and states/countries taken in. Xoxo

Weddings & Birthdays

August 22 2011 was one of the happiest days of my life... It was the day I said I Do to the man I love. Our 3yr anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I'm preparing for it. It's also his birthday... Our first year apart I asked friends and family to post pictures of their sunset for us. Sunset was our time.. We both love how the world looks when the sun slips behind the trees and leaves its last glow upon the world before it gives way to let the moon take center stage. So my friends and family, again this year please post your sunset pictures and the location/city/state/country where it was taken. I will be at work on that day but hopefully can slip out long enough to take my picture.. And remember it doesn't have to be that day... It can be any day. Because every day there is a precious sunset to capture... Xoxoxo 

Days after losing the love of my life ^

2013/july

Sometime in 2013 .. Fall

July 2014

June 2014

July 2014

*****all photographs are owned by me please do not share without prior approval. Blog story itself can be shared, not individual photos. Thank you. ******

Holidays...

Holidays... for some reason some are harder than others. Not that every day isn't hard but on holidays its just a little bit harder to get out of bed. A little bit (ok a lot) harder too be around people and a whole lot harder to be happy. I'm not gonna lie its ridiculously hard to keep this happy go lucky almost always smiling look on my face.  I have to say I'm proud of myself.  I made it through our anniversary and his birthday, both the same day, just 2 months after he died. I got through thanksgiving and Christmas and new years...even Valentine's day. But after the one year angelversary I feel like I'm losing it! This will by my second 4th of July without him and it hurts so bad. I feel like I'm becoming that mean bitter person that snaps at everyone and cannot be happy that you see in all of the movies. I'm not able to be happy for everyone anymore... amazingly enough I can be super nice to people who aren't family (friends at work) and to my siblings but everyone else I just want to slam a frying pan up against their head because they just get on my damn nerves.
Wow I got a little off topic today didn't I? :-) its ok though because I needed to get it off my chest.
Anyway this fourth I am dreading it... just dreading it. I'm going to love seeing my Adorable energetic nieces and my absolutely adorable brand new nephew but the happiness is gonna drive me up the wall. But at the end of the day I can come to my bedroom, crawl into my bed and hug his picture to my chest. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy and I'm trying. I'm honestly trying. Its just hard to be happy when your heart is breaking every single second of every single day.

♥♡♥ I love you sweetheart always and forever ♡♥♡

June 15, 2013

June 15, 2013
For so many people that's just another day of the year. This year its fathers day. Last year it was a Saturday. . The last Saturday my soul mate said I love you to me. I have been wondering for weeks what I will do on this day. Will I cry all day? Will I stay in bed?  Or will I try to act like its just another day in this long hard journey?  Well... I guess we shall find out but I'm sure ill do all of the above plus some.

The following is a rough sum of that day... if you don't want to know then just exit out but this is part of my personal grieving process.

Looking back on everything that happened that day is a freaking nightmare.  I'm sitting here remembering where I was and what I was doing. At 11:10pm the night before I was impatiently waiting for midnight so I could leave work and fo eat at ihop with friends from work. At 12 I was hopping in my car heading two minutes up the road to ihop and by 12:15 seated and ordering food while texting Steve. I didn't lwave ihop that night until 5 am (ish). I had been talking with a friend about our dogs. I stopped at the valero by the house and grabbed Steve a coke and was home by the time it was daylight. We talked for a bit and I layed down to sleep and a little later he moved me over so he could sleep. A little later his breathing woke up bc I knew it was off.. I woke up completely and realized he was having a seizure. After running outside to call 911 (and was put on hold for a minute) the first responders finally came and soon after the ambulance. I begged and pleaded with him ti stay with me the whole time before they got there. They loaded him and where supposed to rake him to st Josephs hospital and a few minutes larer I followed.. only when I got there he wasn't there. He had coded and they took him to arkadelphia to the hospital. By the time I was going through Bismarck I felt he had gone. Just felt it in my bones. Its nothing I could ever truly explain. When I reached the hospital I didn't have anything to say..not even when the doctor told me they did everything they could. There are, in fact, no words that you can say or anyone else can say. There is nothing that can bring the love of your life back. I fell apart that day. I became a completely different person. I don't laugh as much, I'm very down a lot. I'm more straightforward and don't mince words any longer. I don't care about others feelings unless its someone I'm really close too. I have a handful of true friends and some of those I even have to wonder about. This whole experience has been a nightmare and not one I'd wish on the most evil person on this earth.

Happy Angelversary my darling. I miss you more than words can say. All my love, your Honeysuckle Rose

I have spent a lot of time the last week thinking of how things were last year. The weather was horribly hot. It was humid as well.. we wanted to go to the lake but never had time between my work and his doctor appointments.  We fought a lot. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. I ended up staying at my sister's for a long weekend for my birthday because we had been arguing.  I was just tired. Tired of being grown and taking care of everyone else and not taking time to have fun. Now I wish I could take it all back...

Flashbacks. ..

If your in social media I'm sure you have heard of flashback friday... today was my flashback friday.  Only it wasn't your normal "pick a funny picture from back in the day" kind of day. It was a "went past a place and remembered exactly that last day" kind of day. Its happened before normally at night but today I was driving to work and passed the volunteer fire dept... the last men to see my husband alive. The same men driving the ambulance supposedly to one hospital but went to another and never called me to let me know.  I haf a serious serious flashback of the whole day. Of how I was so tired when I came home anf how he made me go to bed. How I woke up a few hours later to him having seizures over and over.  How I couldn't get 911 to work and how when it did they put me on hold. Of how he somehow walked into the living room and me begging him to come back to me. How I watched the ambulance drive away and I drove to hot springs and when I got there they knew nothing of him and we called different hospitals all over.  How when I was driving back to arkadelphia I passed the road to our home and felt in my heart he was gone forever.  And finally how I saw him last... they didn't even wipe the blood from his lips. I just wanted to die with him. The only thing I wanted was to be with him forever.  Instead I had to settle for his wedding ring. Straight up the worst day of my life ever!

This is not a life I would wish on anyone ever.

To my fellow widows and widowers... we have ok days, bad days, and flat out horrible days but by standing together we can hold each other up and help one another to make it through this terrible journey.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for so many of yall. I know I'm nowhere close to where some are in this journey but I will make it just like yoh will.

Xoxoxo. ♡

Today when I logged into Facebook it had the look back video on it.. its amazing to see the things from over the years. All the pictures and status posts and shares.. Steven played a big part in the video so I downloaded it and hopefully I can share with everyone.  Xoxo

Happy birthday

I had every intention of writing something big and long but I find I'm to tired to really do that tonight. Sooo I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. I wanted to say happy birthday to my awesome big sister whose bday was overrun by moving her and her family into rheir new home. What better bday gift could there be?! Anyway she has been there for me through thick and thin and I hope she had an awesome day.

The last month..

Today starts what was Steve's last month here. He had just gotten back from West Virginia and getting back into the swing of things. He was in WV for a month for his father's funeral and visiting friends and the month before that was in the hospital for MRSA. That seems like I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him. The last 11 months have been a challenge.  Sometimes it was pure hell especially all the holidays. :-(
A few weeks ago I was without the internet for awhile and when I got back online I discovered someone had deleted his Facebook. That was one of the WORST nights I have had in a ling time. Since I had lost so many of our pictures due to that unfortunate event I decided to show a few pictures from our wedding till his last days. The few that I have anyway.
Much love and hugs to all.

Memories

As the one year mark creeps closer I can't help but look back on what was going on last year at this time... some memories are sweet and some are not so much. But each one is burned into my memory.  I did have a breakdown this last weekend however when I logged into fb for the first time in weeks to find someone had deleted his account.  I was NOT happy! All of our memories gone.. pictures of him ill never get back. I can appeal the decision but honestly don't know if I will or not. It will eventually happen again and I don't want to keep having to go through this.

Leaving with a few pictures. . Bless you

I know i havent been around for awhile but hopefully in the near future i can remedy that... Life has been somewhat hectic here of late. Between holidays, prom, work and everything in between i have barely had time to sleep (not that i do alot of that anyway!). Lately though i have felt alone.. it's crazy because yeah i go through times now and then that i want to be

alone but i have never FELT alone like this. I hardly use my cell phone anymore because honestly noone speaks to me. I dont know if its because they think i will fall apart or if its because i have this horrid habit now of NOT censoring myself but i get a total of MAYBE 10 texts a week(thats a HUGE cutback on what used to be 1,000+). I keep telling myself that if they cant handle what im going through and cant be a friend and help me then they aren't worth my time of effort. Hmm.. The "newest" thing goin on here of late is the JOYOUS nightmare's. I dont know if its because i am SO exhausted at the end of the day when i finally settle down to sleep or what but man are they creepy. Also new is i have decided to go back to school.. someway somehow i AM going back and NOTHING will stop that. I look at my life now and i dont want it, i want to be able to advance in a job that i love to do. Granted my absolute FAVORITE job is photography but in this world right now where i live that is not possible to make a living off of sadly. One day though one day. Ill attach a few photo's from recent days. :-) I know you will like them as well as i do. TTFN,Shea

Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo

Surgery

I have to say that the surgeries I have been through the past few weeks have just knocked any and all energy I had. I had my first surgery the 16 and it was a PCNL with Nephrostomy placement... let me tell you the nephrostomy tube is a pain in the tush!! First it hurts... then you can't sleep on your back, just the side the tube isn't on. You can't even sleep on your stomach because it feels like your insides are squished together. Weird I know!! So after 2 weeks of sleeping on the couch and having to have help do EVERYTHING I had surgery #2 which was a pcnl relook. They removed my nephrostomy tube thank god and I can sleep sortof on my back now. Surgery #2 was not quite so bad as the first with the exception of my iv had to be placed in my right foot... yes my foot. Hurt like Hell I'm not even gonna lie. While I was being prepped they ask all the annoying questions a million times and the nurse asked what I'm allergic too... upon my answer of "latex" she smirks walks around the bed and picks up my shirt hem and said "if your allergic to latex why is your nephrostomy tube and bag latex?" Uh excuse me?! Well THAT explains why my whole back has itched and been red for the past 2 weeks... and here I blamed the tape. I got to come home right after my second surgery for which I am eternally grateful for because I hate overnight stays. Friday morning I wake up and take my first round of antibiotics and so on... now when I woke up Thursday I had noticed my tongue felt weird.. like it was numb or something. Well a call to the doc confirmed it was thrush.. I thought kids only got that. Agh! My body has been so out of wack it's been crazy. I am forever grateful for a couple of nurse friends who answered any questions I have had and at odd times as well. And of course I'm thankful for my mother who helped me do everything and continues to do so till I can on my own. She is doing Steven's job if he was here and I thank her for it.

One big thing I have learned the past 7 months is that you truly find out who your friends are. So many "friends" have quit speaking to me but a choice few, very few, have stuck around and helped when I need it or have been there for me when I need to talk. Even thru the surgery those few have been there for me and for that I'm thankful!. Much love to all my friends xoxox

Fear...

Afraid. Anxious. Fearful. Panicky. Petrified. Terrified.... It all boils down to I am just plain SCARED. On Christmas Eve I spent a few dreaded hours in the ER with horrible stomach pains only to find out I had 2 BIG kidney stones. Now I am used to kidney stones and have had them off and on for years.. but i have NEVER had kidney stones so big that they took up my whole left kidney. About 2 years ago I was living in West Virginia with Steven and had to go to the ER there for kidney stones and was told I had 1 big one in my left kidney but they wouldnt do surgery until i got insurance(this was AFTER they did lithotripsy and could not break it up). So, like a dummy, i let it go until now. So why am I scared? Terrified? Fearful? Well after going to the Urologist (I highly reccomend Arkansas Urology they are all so nice!) I am having surgery Thursday morning. I am going in to get a Nephrostomy Tube and then they are doing Percutaneous nephrolithotomy or PCNL for short.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Percutaneous_nephrolithotomyThis is a fairly "simple" procedure I was assured but the biggest worry is Sepsis. Of course I am worried about all kinds of things happening.I have always been the one to worry excessively.
I believe the biggest reason that I am so scared is because this is the first "BIG" thing to happen since Steven died and honestly I miss his wisdom and the way he could always calm me down. He ALWAYS had something smart-assed to say and then would tell me everything would be ok and that I shouldn't worry about anything at all then give me a HUGE bear hug. Man do I miss him.
On another note 1/15/14 is 7 long months since my handsome, sweet, generous, loving man left me. It is so HARD to believe that June will be 1 year since that horrible day.
　
Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful night. Im sure you will hear LOTS from me over the next few days/weeks since I wont be able to do much.
XOXO -A