Starting Anew...

Since last July quite a bit has happened in my life. I moved out of my parents into an apartment by myself.... I met a man.... I have a roommate... I quite my job and started a new job only to HATE it with such a passion I was miserable and found a new job that I will be starting ASAP.... I am Happier than I have been in the last almost 3 years. 

I smile so much now, and not that FAKE smile that I have seemed to have perfected over the last few years, but a GENUINE smile. The kind of smile that makes your whole face hurt. The one that EVERYONE notices and has to ask what is going on in your life. I, of course, just have to say that everything is going right for once.

So moving forward.... I avoided writing things down for almost the last year just because I was bored with myself, I was mad at myself. I got tired of thinking I was just complaining because this way was easier. But honestly I wasn't complaining.... I was letting everyone know my true feelings when I couldn't voice them out loud. So now that I have basically made peace with myself (for the most part) I will continue on voicing my thoughts (and complaints lol!)

So everyone seems to be super excited about this man that I have met. As well they should be because he is quite the sweet guy.

In the short time that we have been together he has stolen my heart...Which is freaking scary! I am deathly afraid that I have given my heart away before I should have. He has utterly and completely stolen my heart from me and heaven help me if he breaks it... I will be devastated.. and it will be my own fault for it.

In the few weeks that we have been together he has helped me move forward. I have always been afraid of moving forward and thought that people would think I have forgotten about Steven. However I will NEVER forget him. He will always always be a part of my life..

I did have a slight issue with some people trying to cause drama but that was quickly fixed.

I am not moving on... I am moving FORWARD.

Another year has come and gone. June 15 will forever be a day that I dread. Though not so bad as August 22. What in the WORLD was i thinking when I agreed to get married on his birthday!? I must have been drunk(I wasn't but eh! still!!). It is coming up rather fast in the future and of course it is on a saturday. A day that I work. For once it could be on a day when I dont work!
I believe that I have reached the anger part of grief as recently I will wake up just seriously pissed off at steven. Pissed that he would have the GUTS to leave me. Mad and upset that he cannot come back to me. It is natural to go thorough this but I wont even lie.. IT SUCKS!!!!! I just want things to go back to the way that they were before... I will take the 40+ hour work weeks, I'll go to all of the doctor visits and to the wound clinics.

I miss his voice....
I miss his jokes...
I miss the practical jokes that always pissed me off... never failed
I miss the hugs...
                   the kisses...
and most of all......     I miss the cuddles.

Slacker...

I have really slacked off in writing on my blogs the last months... so much has happened and there is so much I want to share so I'll give the condensed version.

In November I went too CNA school and December I started my new job. Needless to say I love it even though there are some days that are stressful.  I am in the memory care unit and love it and my residents.

Christmas came and went and last of December my best friend had her precious baby boy who I love so much. That sweet baby boy can make me smile so big!! He has this eyebrow thing he does and it reminds me of steven.

I aquired a new vehicle this spring/summer (depending on what you call may). It's the first vehicle I have bought brand new and I'm so proud of myself! I know steven is super proud of me as well.

Saturday I had an actual GIRLS NIGHT OUT! The first since steven passed. It was so relaxing and fun. We went out to Willy D's in LR and sang the night away.

Last but not least... today is my 26th birthday. Another year gone by that steven can't be with me to celebrate. It's been a chill kind of day... slept in a little bit then went to my sisters with my brother and his gf.

So that is my life the last few months... and with the 2 year anniversary coming up the 15th I'll be around I'm sure.

School and Holidays!

Well the last few weeks have been CRAZY!! First was Thanksgiving and it was my second without Steven and it was super hard. I just didn't want to be there at all but for the sake of my family I endured. The Friday before turkey day I walked out of my job. I have NEVER just walked out like that but I was done with the childish people and being treated like shit. That monday I started CNA school and yesterday I graduated with a 97%!!!! I am so super excited about this new journey in my life and I look at it as a brand new start in life. I still have to pass the state boards and will be nervous about that but until then I have time to study. I am anxious about the place I will be working at.. it's a brand new facility with lots of new people. During clinicals I was in the alzheimers unit and I absolutely loved it and would love the chance to work with them full time. But we shall see.

As Christmas nears I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I am so alone. I suppose it is from starting a new job, being without a vehicle, in a new house and just plain missing Steven. I will try to keep myself busy but it's hard when I don't have a car to go places so I can take pictures.

Blogging for a year.. sort of

http://hishoneysucklerose.blogspot.com/2013/11/i-have-battled-long-and-hard-on-how-i.html#gpluscomments


I just realized that November 3, 2013 was my very first blog post! Sadly, I have only made

24 post's in the last year alone(not including this one of course). But I have resolved that I WILL post more, life just sometimes gets in the way of things.

This last year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, I must admit. In this last year so much has went on its insane. Of course the Holidays last year, as with this year, kind of sucked. On Christmas Eve I spent the whole night in the ER with a kidney stone, then in January I had a PCNL w/ Nephrolithotomy done and had to have that horrible Nephrostomy Tube for a good 4 weeks... it sucked, big time. After that I had several surgeries over the next 6 months but a week after my last one my precious nephew made his appearance into this world! Now I will not lie, I have never been one to just like boy's. I always wanted a girl and just could not get excited about a baby boy... until I saw him for the first time and I just FELL. IN. LOVE!!!!! He is growing like a weed and trying his hardest to crawl. His 2 sister's just love him to death, though it took the youngest sister a little while to get used to him. Kinsey is now 3 years old and cute as a button. She has started to want to dress up and be all girly now, which of course I love. Now if only I could get her to sit still long enough to take her picture that would be great. Lol! Susan has a birthday coming up in January and will be 8 and it makes me feel so old! She's so tall now and such a beautiful girl. She loves cheesing for the camera but I still have a hard time getting her to sit still long enough to take an actual good picture. Another new thing this year is I moved out of my parent's house and into a house with a good friend of mine. It was hard for the first month as I am used to someone ALWAYS being there. Though I am currently without a car and so I am almost always with my roommate it was still something to get used too.
My roommate is getting ready to have her own little boy and I am so excited about it! Cooper will be one spoilt little boy between the both of us. He already has so many clothes.. it's hard to quit buying them for him. :-) I am currently trying to get back into my photography a little more. I miss it but at the same time with my new position at work I dont have the time for it much. I believe I will start trying to take one new photo a week and then up it to a day after a month or so just so I can keep it up. Practice makes perfect they say (and it also keeps my mind off of a lot of things). I have noticed here lately I will have the occasional bad night but otherwise things are getting just a little bit better now. There are still triggers but then again there will ALWAYS be something that triggers my memory of Steven. More recently I could have SWORE I heard him when I went to visit my parent's a few weeks ago. I walked into the house and went into my parent's bathroom to get something and the house was completely empty except for Kris and myself and I thought I heard him say "hey what are you doing here?". I was kind of heart broken when I walked through the doorway and he wasn't there, but in my heart I knew that he wouldnt be there anyway. :(

The fault in our stars. ...

Tonight my roommate and I watched the fault in our stars. Let me tell you that's a heart wrenching movie.... it got me too thinking of my last days with Steven and even tho we didn't know it was our last days I wouldn't trade what we did in for anything.
This movie also hit home because this week or widow family last a sweet young lady to cancer.  She was absolutely gorgeous and had 6 beautiful kids who she has left behind. I believe Valarie was here to teach us how to live again. .. Perhaps Not  how we once did but to feel a little alive once more.

I hate to admit it but I have been depressed. I miss Steven so much it hurts. Physically hurts. You know when you watch wrestling and someone gets body slammed and you cringe because you know it had to hurt really bad?  That kind of hurt. ...only worse.

Perhaps watching this movie was a horrible idea after all. ......

2014 Susan g Koman Race for the cure

Last weekend was the Susan G Koman Race for the Cure in Little Rock. It was my first of many years to come. I absolutely cannot wait to go next year.