Happy Birthday and Anniversary My Love <3

August 22, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. I not only married my best friend but it was also his birthday. Win win situation for him so he'd never forget. Little did I know it'd be a 1-2 punch to me almost 2 years later celebrating what was supposed to be our second anniversary that never happened. On 8/22/11 I will never forget how blasted HOT it was! We had to run all over and set things up. . Came home and threw our clothes on to get hitched on the front porch. Sure it seemed like a good idea.. except it was so humid you could have drowned in your own sweat. Ill also never forget that halfway through the ceremony susan (eldest niece) realized what was happening and started bawling that her aunt ash won't be here to play with her anymore. Broke my heart! Afterwards was cupcakes with the family and then the next day packing for the long trip to west Virginia.
Last year, my first anniversary/birthday without steven, I asked everyone to post sunset pictures and again this year. He always loved to sit with me and watch the sun set. This year so many friends and family participated and I just want to say thank you. Thank you so very much! I know you don't know what to say sometimes but I don't expect you too.. just being there for me has been enough.  I know I am not the easiest to get along with now and I tank god every day that I have friends like yall to make each day a little bit easier to take.

Here are a few sunsets I have saved to my phone that were taken. I will have a post up soon with all of them along with names and states/countries taken in. Xoxo

Weddings & Birthdays

August 22 2011 was one of the happiest days of my life... It was the day I said I Do to the man I love. Our 3yr anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I'm preparing for it. It's also his birthday... Our first year apart I asked friends and family to post pictures of their sunset for us. Sunset was our time.. We both love how the world looks when the sun slips behind the trees and leaves its last glow upon the world before it gives way to let the moon take center stage. So my friends and family, again this year please post your sunset pictures and the location/city/state/country where it was taken. I will be at work on that day but hopefully can slip out long enough to take my picture.. And remember it doesn't have to be that day... It can be any day. Because every day there is a precious sunset to capture... Xoxoxo 

Days after losing the love of my life ^

2013/july

Sometime in 2013 .. Fall

July 2014

June 2014

July 2014

*****all photographs are owned by me please do not share without prior approval. Blog story itself can be shared, not individual photos. Thank you. ******

Holidays...

Holidays... for some reason some are harder than others. Not that every day isn't hard but on holidays its just a little bit harder to get out of bed. A little bit (ok a lot) harder too be around people and a whole lot harder to be happy. I'm not gonna lie its ridiculously hard to keep this happy go lucky almost always smiling look on my face.  I have to say I'm proud of myself.  I made it through our anniversary and his birthday, both the same day, just 2 months after he died. I got through thanksgiving and Christmas and new years...even Valentine's day. But after the one year angelversary I feel like I'm losing it! This will by my second 4th of July without him and it hurts so bad. I feel like I'm becoming that mean bitter person that snaps at everyone and cannot be happy that you see in all of the movies. I'm not able to be happy for everyone anymore... amazingly enough I can be super nice to people who aren't family (friends at work) and to my siblings but everyone else I just want to slam a frying pan up against their head because they just get on my damn nerves.
Wow I got a little off topic today didn't I? :-) its ok though because I needed to get it off my chest.
Anyway this fourth I am dreading it... just dreading it. I'm going to love seeing my Adorable energetic nieces and my absolutely adorable brand new nephew but the happiness is gonna drive me up the wall. But at the end of the day I can come to my bedroom, crawl into my bed and hug his picture to my chest. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy and I'm trying. I'm honestly trying. Its just hard to be happy when your heart is breaking every single second of every single day.

♥♡♥ I love you sweetheart always and forever ♡♥♡

June 15, 2013

June 15, 2013
For so many people that's just another day of the year. This year its fathers day. Last year it was a Saturday. . The last Saturday my soul mate said I love you to me. I have been wondering for weeks what I will do on this day. Will I cry all day? Will I stay in bed?  Or will I try to act like its just another day in this long hard journey?  Well... I guess we shall find out but I'm sure ill do all of the above plus some.

The following is a rough sum of that day... if you don't want to know then just exit out but this is part of my personal grieving process.

Looking back on everything that happened that day is a freaking nightmare.  I'm sitting here remembering where I was and what I was doing. At 11:10pm the night before I was impatiently waiting for midnight so I could leave work and fo eat at ihop with friends from work. At 12 I was hopping in my car heading two minutes up the road to ihop and by 12:15 seated and ordering food while texting Steve. I didn't lwave ihop that night until 5 am (ish). I had been talking with a friend about our dogs. I stopped at the valero by the house and grabbed Steve a coke and was home by the time it was daylight. We talked for a bit and I layed down to sleep and a little later he moved me over so he could sleep. A little later his breathing woke up bc I knew it was off.. I woke up completely and realized he was having a seizure. After running outside to call 911 (and was put on hold for a minute) the first responders finally came and soon after the ambulance. I begged and pleaded with him ti stay with me the whole time before they got there. They loaded him and where supposed to rake him to st Josephs hospital and a few minutes larer I followed.. only when I got there he wasn't there. He had coded and they took him to arkadelphia to the hospital. By the time I was going through Bismarck I felt he had gone. Just felt it in my bones. Its nothing I could ever truly explain. When I reached the hospital I didn't have anything to say..not even when the doctor told me they did everything they could. There are, in fact, no words that you can say or anyone else can say. There is nothing that can bring the love of your life back. I fell apart that day. I became a completely different person. I don't laugh as much, I'm very down a lot. I'm more straightforward and don't mince words any longer. I don't care about others feelings unless its someone I'm really close too. I have a handful of true friends and some of those I even have to wonder about. This whole experience has been a nightmare and not one I'd wish on the most evil person on this earth.

Happy Angelversary my darling. I miss you more than words can say. All my love, your Honeysuckle Rose

I have spent a lot of time the last week thinking of how things were last year. The weather was horribly hot. It was humid as well.. we wanted to go to the lake but never had time between my work and his doctor appointments.  We fought a lot. I'm not ashamed to admit it either. I ended up staying at my sister's for a long weekend for my birthday because we had been arguing.  I was just tired. Tired of being grown and taking care of everyone else and not taking time to have fun. Now I wish I could take it all back...

Flashbacks. ..

If your in social media I'm sure you have heard of flashback friday... today was my flashback friday.  Only it wasn't your normal "pick a funny picture from back in the day" kind of day. It was a "went past a place and remembered exactly that last day" kind of day. Its happened before normally at night but today I was driving to work and passed the volunteer fire dept... the last men to see my husband alive. The same men driving the ambulance supposedly to one hospital but went to another and never called me to let me know.  I haf a serious serious flashback of the whole day. Of how I was so tired when I came home anf how he made me go to bed. How I woke up a few hours later to him having seizures over and over.  How I couldn't get 911 to work and how when it did they put me on hold. Of how he somehow walked into the living room and me begging him to come back to me. How I watched the ambulance drive away and I drove to hot springs and when I got there they knew nothing of him and we called different hospitals all over.  How when I was driving back to arkadelphia I passed the road to our home and felt in my heart he was gone forever.  And finally how I saw him last... they didn't even wipe the blood from his lips. I just wanted to die with him. The only thing I wanted was to be with him forever.  Instead I had to settle for his wedding ring. Straight up the worst day of my life ever!

This is not a life I would wish on anyone ever.

To my fellow widows and widowers... we have ok days, bad days, and flat out horrible days but by standing together we can hold each other up and help one another to make it through this terrible journey.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for so many of yall. I know I'm nowhere close to where some are in this journey but I will make it just like yoh will.

Xoxoxo. ♡

Today when I logged into Facebook it had the look back video on it.. its amazing to see the things from over the years. All the pictures and status posts and shares.. Steven played a big part in the video so I downloaded it and hopefully I can share with everyone.  Xoxo