Flashbacks. ..

If your in social media I'm sure you have heard of flashback friday... today was my flashback friday.  Only it wasn't your normal "pick a funny picture from back in the day" kind of day. It was a "went past a place and remembered exactly that last day" kind of day. Its happened before normally at night but today I was driving to work and passed the volunteer fire dept... the last men to see my husband alive. The same men driving the ambulance supposedly to one hospital but went to another and never called me to let me know.  I haf a serious serious flashback of the whole day. Of how I was so tired when I came home anf how he made me go to bed. How I woke up a few hours later to him having seizures over and over.  How I couldn't get 911 to work and how when it did they put me on hold. Of how he somehow walked into the living room and me begging him to come back to me. How I watched the ambulance drive away and I drove to hot springs and when I got there they knew nothing of him and we called different hospitals all over.  How when I was driving back to arkadelphia I passed the road to our home and felt in my heart he was gone forever.  And finally how I saw him last... they didn't even wipe the blood from his lips. I just wanted to die with him. The only thing I wanted was to be with him forever.  Instead I had to settle for his wedding ring. Straight up the worst day of my life ever!

This is not a life I would wish on anyone ever.

To my fellow widows and widowers... we have ok days, bad days, and flat out horrible days but by standing together we can hold each other up and help one another to make it through this terrible journey.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for so many of yall. I know I'm nowhere close to where some are in this journey but I will make it just like yoh will.

Xoxoxo. ♡

Today when I logged into Facebook it had the look back video on it.. its amazing to see the things from over the years. All the pictures and status posts and shares.. Steven played a big part in the video so I downloaded it and hopefully I can share with everyone.  Xoxo

Happy birthday

I had every intention of writing something big and long but I find I'm to tired to really do that tonight. Sooo I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. I wanted to say happy birthday to my awesome big sister whose bday was overrun by moving her and her family into rheir new home. What better bday gift could there be?! Anyway she has been there for me through thick and thin and I hope she had an awesome day.

The last month..

Today starts what was Steve's last month here. He had just gotten back from West Virginia and getting back into the swing of things. He was in WV for a month for his father's funeral and visiting friends and the month before that was in the hospital for MRSA. That seems like I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him. The last 11 months have been a challenge.  Sometimes it was pure hell especially all the holidays. :-(
A few weeks ago I was without the internet for awhile and when I got back online I discovered someone had deleted his Facebook. That was one of the WORST nights I have had in a ling time. Since I had lost so many of our pictures due to that unfortunate event I decided to show a few pictures from our wedding till his last days. The few that I have anyway.
Much love and hugs to all.

Memories

As the one year mark creeps closer I can't help but look back on what was going on last year at this time... some memories are sweet and some are not so much. But each one is burned into my memory.  I did have a breakdown this last weekend however when I logged into fb for the first time in weeks to find someone had deleted his account.  I was NOT happy! All of our memories gone.. pictures of him ill never get back. I can appeal the decision but honestly don't know if I will or not. It will eventually happen again and I don't want to keep having to go through this.

Leaving with a few pictures. . Bless you

I know i havent been around for awhile but hopefully in the near future i can remedy that... Life has been somewhat hectic here of late. Between holidays, prom, work and everything in between i have barely had time to sleep (not that i do alot of that anyway!). Lately though i have felt alone.. it's crazy because yeah i go through times now and then that i want to be

alone but i have never FELT alone like this. I hardly use my cell phone anymore because honestly noone speaks to me. I dont know if its because they think i will fall apart or if its because i have this horrid habit now of NOT censoring myself but i get a total of MAYBE 10 texts a week(thats a HUGE cutback on what used to be 1,000+). I keep telling myself that if they cant handle what im going through and cant be a friend and help me then they aren't worth my time of effort. Hmm.. The "newest" thing goin on here of late is the JOYOUS nightmare's. I dont know if its because i am SO exhausted at the end of the day when i finally settle down to sleep or what but man are they creepy. Also new is i have decided to go back to school.. someway somehow i AM going back and NOTHING will stop that. I look at my life now and i dont want it, i want to be able to advance in a job that i love to do. Granted my absolute FAVORITE job is photography but in this world right now where i live that is not possible to make a living off of sadly. One day though one day. Ill attach a few photo's from recent days. :-) I know you will like them as well as i do. TTFN,Shea

Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo