2014 Susan g Koman Race for the cure

Last weekend was the Susan G Koman Race for the Cure in Little Rock. It was my first of many years to come. I absolutely cannot wait to go next year.

All by myself....

So this weekend I got the "chance" to see what it would be like living alone if I chose to do so... let me tell you, I effin HATE it!! My roommate is down in Dallas visiting her Godfather and I'm all alone till tomorrow. It has been an experience honestly... I have never had a problem being alone until after Steve died. I spent the whole day avoiding coming home to an empty house, well the dogs were here....
I spent a big part of the day at my sister's.  We went shopping and scored some great deals (much to her husbands dismay) and then went home to the kids. Man let me tell you something, those kids are my saving grace. They may be loud, they might bicker and they might grab hold of my leg and beg me not to leave while screaming at the top of their lungs... but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Its always an experience over there. From Susan asking questions about all kinds of things (I'm not kidding you just don't know what she will ask!), to Kinsey telling me she loves me a million times and immediately growling at me, to sweet baby Logan's smiles and cuddles. These kids have saved my life more than once and I'm not gonna lie... my sister has as well. I was close to my siblings before but more so now. I love you guys!
After I left my sister's I dropped by my parents with intentions of staying only a few minutes.  Those few minutes turned into almost 2 hours. Mom and I talked about a sweet widow friend of mine who has cancer and is in hospice. Val has 6 kids with the youngest set of twins being months old.  I have not met Val personally but I love her so much, I wish there was something more that I can do besides give what little I can to her fund. After a good talk with mom we went to see my monster, Tantrum, and checked on the baby calves they have. So adorable!  Upon getting home the puppies were glad to see me... and it was bored to death from there! I have been going through pictures of Steve and I for the past several hours and had a good long cry. I miss that man so much. 
This is why I hate being alone. .. quiet makes me think and remember. Memories are great just sometimes its too much to handle.

Xoxo

Its crazy how much you can miss a person... honestly though! Most people say "I miss john, he is gone for the weekend and I won't hear from him till Monday" or "I miss jane, she's out of town for a month and I can't get and hugs kisses or even talk to her"(yess I have heard both and they are direct quotes!). The people who say things like this drive.me.INSANE!  You will always miss someone but wait until you miss that someone you can't ever hug or kiss or talk to again.. its a whole new kind of pain to deal with. I'm all the time whispering in the dark to Steve even though he isn't there, just because it makes thw pain of him not physically being here a little bit easier to bear. Until this last week anyway..... I moved out of my parents house this weekend and its been difficult making the adjustment. Now don't judge... I lived with my parents for the last year because I physically Cannot live alone. I can't stand to be alone in a house for more than a few hours and if I have to be I will end up goin out to Wal-Mart or a grocery store or something. Being aline is linked too missing the other half of my heart.

Big changes!

I have had some crazy changes the past few weeks! I am the new second shift lead at work and this is official on monday... super nervous girl here! I also moved out of my parents house this weekend. I still can't stand to live alone so I have a roomie but its still a major step for me. I'm not gonna lie I'm worried that I can't do this(no kal I'm not gonna back out). Its the whole fact that this is completely out of my comfort zone. Staying at my parents I was comfortable and had a routine and, of course,  no bills to pay. I'm one of those annoying people who worry about their bills and check their bank account a gazillion times a day. I can't help it!
I know that Steve is cheering me on for taking these big steps.

Happy Birthday and Anniversary My Love <3

August 22, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. I not only married my best friend but it was also his birthday. Win win situation for him so he'd never forget. Little did I know it'd be a 1-2 punch to me almost 2 years later celebrating what was supposed to be our second anniversary that never happened. On 8/22/11 I will never forget how blasted HOT it was! We had to run all over and set things up. . Came home and threw our clothes on to get hitched on the front porch. Sure it seemed like a good idea.. except it was so humid you could have drowned in your own sweat. Ill also never forget that halfway through the ceremony susan (eldest niece) realized what was happening and started bawling that her aunt ash won't be here to play with her anymore. Broke my heart! Afterwards was cupcakes with the family and then the next day packing for the long trip to west Virginia.
Last year, my first anniversary/birthday without steven, I asked everyone to post sunset pictures and again this year. He always loved to sit with me and watch the sun set. This year so many friends and family participated and I just want to say thank you. Thank you so very much! I know you don't know what to say sometimes but I don't expect you too.. just being there for me has been enough.  I know I am not the easiest to get along with now and I tank god every day that I have friends like yall to make each day a little bit easier to take.

Here are a few sunsets I have saved to my phone that were taken. I will have a post up soon with all of them along with names and states/countries taken in. Xoxo

Weddings & Birthdays

August 22 2011 was one of the happiest days of my life... It was the day I said I Do to the man I love. Our 3yr anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I'm preparing for it. It's also his birthday... Our first year apart I asked friends and family to post pictures of their sunset for us. Sunset was our time.. We both love how the world looks when the sun slips behind the trees and leaves its last glow upon the world before it gives way to let the moon take center stage. So my friends and family, again this year please post your sunset pictures and the location/city/state/country where it was taken. I will be at work on that day but hopefully can slip out long enough to take my picture.. And remember it doesn't have to be that day... It can be any day. Because every day there is a precious sunset to capture... Xoxoxo 

Days after losing the love of my life ^

2013/july

Sometime in 2013 .. Fall

July 2014

June 2014

July 2014

*****all photographs are owned by me please do not share without prior approval. Blog story itself can be shared, not individual photos. Thank you. ******

Holidays...

Holidays... for some reason some are harder than others. Not that every day isn't hard but on holidays its just a little bit harder to get out of bed. A little bit (ok a lot) harder too be around people and a whole lot harder to be happy. I'm not gonna lie its ridiculously hard to keep this happy go lucky almost always smiling look on my face.  I have to say I'm proud of myself.  I made it through our anniversary and his birthday, both the same day, just 2 months after he died. I got through thanksgiving and Christmas and new years...even Valentine's day. But after the one year angelversary I feel like I'm losing it! This will by my second 4th of July without him and it hurts so bad. I feel like I'm becoming that mean bitter person that snaps at everyone and cannot be happy that you see in all of the movies. I'm not able to be happy for everyone anymore... amazingly enough I can be super nice to people who aren't family (friends at work) and to my siblings but everyone else I just want to slam a frying pan up against their head because they just get on my damn nerves.
Wow I got a little off topic today didn't I? :-) its ok though because I needed to get it off my chest.
Anyway this fourth I am dreading it... just dreading it. I'm going to love seeing my Adorable energetic nieces and my absolutely adorable brand new nephew but the happiness is gonna drive me up the wall. But at the end of the day I can come to my bedroom, crawl into my bed and hug his picture to my chest. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy and I'm trying. I'm honestly trying. Its just hard to be happy when your heart is breaking every single second of every single day.

♥♡♥ I love you sweetheart always and forever ♡♥♡