Happy birthday

I had every intention of writing something big and long but I find I'm to tired to really do that tonight. Sooo I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. I wanted to say happy birthday to my awesome big sister whose bday was overrun by moving her and her family into rheir new home. What better bday gift could there be?! Anyway she has been there for me through thick and thin and I hope she had an awesome day.

The last month..

Today starts what was Steve's last month here. He had just gotten back from West Virginia and getting back into the swing of things. He was in WV for a month for his father's funeral and visiting friends and the month before that was in the hospital for MRSA. That seems like I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him. The last 11 months have been a challenge.  Sometimes it was pure hell especially all the holidays. :-(
A few weeks ago I was without the internet for awhile and when I got back online I discovered someone had deleted his Facebook. That was one of the WORST nights I have had in a ling time. Since I had lost so many of our pictures due to that unfortunate event I decided to show a few pictures from our wedding till his last days. The few that I have anyway.
Much love and hugs to all.

Memories

As the one year mark creeps closer I can't help but look back on what was going on last year at this time... some memories are sweet and some are not so much. But each one is burned into my memory.  I did have a breakdown this last weekend however when I logged into fb for the first time in weeks to find someone had deleted his account.  I was NOT happy! All of our memories gone.. pictures of him ill never get back. I can appeal the decision but honestly don't know if I will or not. It will eventually happen again and I don't want to keep having to go through this.

Leaving with a few pictures. . Bless you

I know i havent been around for awhile but hopefully in the near future i can remedy that... Life has been somewhat hectic here of late. Between holidays, prom, work and everything in between i have barely had time to sleep (not that i do alot of that anyway!). Lately though i have felt alone.. it's crazy because yeah i go through times now and then that i want to be

alone but i have never FELT alone like this. I hardly use my cell phone anymore because honestly noone speaks to me. I dont know if its because they think i will fall apart or if its because i have this horrid habit now of NOT censoring myself but i get a total of MAYBE 10 texts a week(thats a HUGE cutback on what used to be 1,000+). I keep telling myself that if they cant handle what im going through and cant be a friend and help me then they aren't worth my time of effort. Hmm.. The "newest" thing goin on here of late is the JOYOUS nightmare's. I dont know if its because i am SO exhausted at the end of the day when i finally settle down to sleep or what but man are they creepy. Also new is i have decided to go back to school.. someway somehow i AM going back and NOTHING will stop that. I look at my life now and i dont want it, i want to be able to advance in a job that i love to do. Granted my absolute FAVORITE job is photography but in this world right now where i live that is not possible to make a living off of sadly. One day though one day. Ill attach a few photo's from recent days. :-) I know you will like them as well as i do. TTFN,Shea

Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo

Surgery

I have to say that the surgeries I have been through the past few weeks have just knocked any and all energy I had. I had my first surgery the 16 and it was a PCNL with Nephrostomy placement... let me tell you the nephrostomy tube is a pain in the tush!! First it hurts... then you can't sleep on your back, just the side the tube isn't on. You can't even sleep on your stomach because it feels like your insides are squished together. Weird I know!! So after 2 weeks of sleeping on the couch and having to have help do EVERYTHING I had surgery #2 which was a pcnl relook. They removed my nephrostomy tube thank god and I can sleep sortof on my back now. Surgery #2 was not quite so bad as the first with the exception of my iv had to be placed in my right foot... yes my foot. Hurt like Hell I'm not even gonna lie. While I was being prepped they ask all the annoying questions a million times and the nurse asked what I'm allergic too... upon my answer of "latex" she smirks walks around the bed and picks up my shirt hem and said "if your allergic to latex why is your nephrostomy tube and bag latex?" Uh excuse me?! Well THAT explains why my whole back has itched and been red for the past 2 weeks... and here I blamed the tape. I got to come home right after my second surgery for which I am eternally grateful for because I hate overnight stays. Friday morning I wake up and take my first round of antibiotics and so on... now when I woke up Thursday I had noticed my tongue felt weird.. like it was numb or something. Well a call to the doc confirmed it was thrush.. I thought kids only got that. Agh! My body has been so out of wack it's been crazy. I am forever grateful for a couple of nurse friends who answered any questions I have had and at odd times as well. And of course I'm thankful for my mother who helped me do everything and continues to do so till I can on my own. She is doing Steven's job if he was here and I thank her for it.

One big thing I have learned the past 7 months is that you truly find out who your friends are. So many "friends" have quit speaking to me but a choice few, very few, have stuck around and helped when I need it or have been there for me when I need to talk. Even thru the surgery those few have been there for me and for that I'm thankful!. Much love to all my friends xoxox

Fear...

Afraid. Anxious. Fearful. Panicky. Petrified. Terrified.... It all boils down to I am just plain SCARED. On Christmas Eve I spent a few dreaded hours in the ER with horrible stomach pains only to find out I had 2 BIG kidney stones. Now I am used to kidney stones and have had them off and on for years.. but i have NEVER had kidney stones so big that they took up my whole left kidney. About 2 years ago I was living in West Virginia with Steven and had to go to the ER there for kidney stones and was told I had 1 big one in my left kidney but they wouldnt do surgery until i got insurance(this was AFTER they did lithotripsy and could not break it up). So, like a dummy, i let it go until now. So why am I scared? Terrified? Fearful? Well after going to the Urologist (I highly reccomend Arkansas Urology they are all so nice!) I am having surgery Thursday morning. I am going in to get a Nephrostomy Tube and then they are doing Percutaneous nephrolithotomy or PCNL for short.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Percutaneous_nephrolithotomyThis is a fairly "simple" procedure I was assured but the biggest worry is Sepsis. Of course I am worried about all kinds of things happening.I have always been the one to worry excessively.
I believe the biggest reason that I am so scared is because this is the first "BIG" thing to happen since Steven died and honestly I miss his wisdom and the way he could always calm me down. He ALWAYS had something smart-assed to say and then would tell me everything would be ok and that I shouldn't worry about anything at all then give me a HUGE bear hug. Man do I miss him.
On another note 1/15/14 is 7 long months since my handsome, sweet, generous, loving man left me. It is so HARD to believe that June will be 1 year since that horrible day.
　
Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful night. Im sure you will hear LOTS from me over the next few days/weeks since I wont be able to do much.
XOXO -A