Flashbacks. ..

If your in social media I'm sure you have heard of flashback friday... today was my flashback friday.  Only it wasn't your normal "pick a funny picture from back in the day" kind of day. It was a "went past a place and remembered exactly that last day" kind of day. Its happened before normally at night but today I was driving to work and passed the volunteer fire dept... the last men to see my husband alive. The same men driving the ambulance supposedly to one hospital but went to another and never called me to let me know.  I haf a serious serious flashback of the whole day. Of how I was so tired when I came home anf how he made me go to bed. How I woke up a few hours later to him having seizures over and over.  How I couldn't get 911 to work and how when it did they put me on hold. Of how he somehow walked into the living room and me begging him to come back to me. How I watched the ambulance drive away and I drove to hot springs and when I got there they knew nothing of him and we called different hospitals all over.  How when I was driving back to arkadelphia I passed the road to our home and felt in my heart he was gone forever.  And finally how I saw him last... they didn't even wipe the blood from his lips. I just wanted to die with him. The only thing I wanted was to be with him forever.  Instead I had to settle for his wedding ring. Straight up the worst day of my life ever!

This is not a life I would wish on anyone ever.

To my fellow widows and widowers... we have ok days, bad days, and flat out horrible days but by standing together we can hold each other up and help one another to make it through this terrible journey.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for so many of yall. I know I'm nowhere close to where some are in this journey but I will make it just like yoh will.

Xoxoxo. ♡

Today when I logged into Facebook it had the look back video on it.. its amazing to see the things from over the years. All the pictures and status posts and shares.. Steven played a big part in the video so I downloaded it and hopefully I can share with everyone.  Xoxo

Happy birthday

I had every intention of writing something big and long but I find I'm to tired to really do that tonight. Sooo I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. I wanted to say happy birthday to my awesome big sister whose bday was overrun by moving her and her family into rheir new home. What better bday gift could there be?! Anyway she has been there for me through thick and thin and I hope she had an awesome day.

The last month..

Today starts what was Steve's last month here. He had just gotten back from West Virginia and getting back into the swing of things. He was in WV for a month for his father's funeral and visiting friends and the month before that was in the hospital for MRSA. That seems like I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him. The last 11 months have been a challenge.  Sometimes it was pure hell especially all the holidays. :-(
A few weeks ago I was without the internet for awhile and when I got back online I discovered someone had deleted his Facebook. That was one of the WORST nights I have had in a ling time. Since I had lost so many of our pictures due to that unfortunate event I decided to show a few pictures from our wedding till his last days. The few that I have anyway.
Much love and hugs to all.

Memories

As the one year mark creeps closer I can't help but look back on what was going on last year at this time... some memories are sweet and some are not so much. But each one is burned into my memory.  I did have a breakdown this last weekend however when I logged into fb for the first time in weeks to find someone had deleted his account.  I was NOT happy! All of our memories gone.. pictures of him ill never get back. I can appeal the decision but honestly don't know if I will or not. It will eventually happen again and I don't want to keep having to go through this.

Leaving with a few pictures. . Bless you