Alone...

I hate this.. I just want to scream, or throw something punch something shoot something ... I just want to do something!!!!! I am so tired of having to go through this alone. I know there are others that are going through the same as I am but none that I have connected with.. I have no "close" friends who are willing to listen to me vent or even willing to just sit with me. I am literally alone in that department. I do have my siblings but they are going through their own problems right now and I refuse to drag them down with me. I have come to learn to just hide away my emotions because grief is too "weird" for some people and they "don't want anything to do with it" because it makes them "uncomfortable". I realized the past few weeks that I talk to the same people a few times each week but never go beyond the whole how's things going.... I talk to approximately 4 people... and 3 are family members. How sad is that? But I know I can count on those 4 people when I need them.. even if one is halfway across the country. Sigh- ok rant over. Had to get all this off my chest. Really missing Steven more than ever tonight because all I want is a hug. I'll love you always baby. Xoxo

Surgery

I have to say that the surgeries I have been through the past few weeks have just knocked any and all energy I had. I had my first surgery the 16 and it was a PCNL with Nephrostomy placement... let me tell you the nephrostomy tube is a pain in the tush!! First it hurts... then you can't sleep on your back, just the side the tube isn't on. You can't even sleep on your stomach because it feels like your insides are squished together. Weird I know!! So after 2 weeks of sleeping on the couch and having to have help do EVERYTHING I had surgery #2 which was a pcnl relook. They removed my nephrostomy tube thank god and I can sleep sortof on my back now. Surgery #2 was not quite so bad as the first with the exception of my iv had to be placed in my right foot... yes my foot. Hurt like Hell I'm not even gonna lie. While I was being prepped they ask all the annoying questions a million times and the nurse asked what I'm allergic too... upon my answer of "latex" she smirks walks around the bed and picks up my shirt hem and said "if your allergic to latex why is your nephrostomy tube and bag latex?" Uh excuse me?! Well THAT explains why my whole back has itched and been red for the past 2 weeks... and here I blamed the tape. I got to come home right after my second surgery for which I am eternally grateful for because I hate overnight stays. Friday morning I wake up and take my first round of antibiotics and so on... now when I woke up Thursday I had noticed my tongue felt weird.. like it was numb or something. Well a call to the doc confirmed it was thrush.. I thought kids only got that. Agh! My body has been so out of wack it's been crazy. I am forever grateful for a couple of nurse friends who answered any questions I have had and at odd times as well. And of course I'm thankful for my mother who helped me do everything and continues to do so till I can on my own. She is doing Steven's job if he was here and I thank her for it.

One big thing I have learned the past 7 months is that you truly find out who your friends are. So many "friends" have quit speaking to me but a choice few, very few, have stuck around and helped when I need it or have been there for me when I need to talk. Even thru the surgery those few have been there for me and for that I'm thankful!. Much love to all my friends xoxox