June 15, 2013
For so many people that's just another day of the year. This year its fathers day. Last year it was a Saturday. . The last Saturday my soul mate said I love you to me. I have been wondering for weeks what I will do on this day. Will I cry all day? Will I stay in bed? Or will I try to act like its just another day in this long hard journey? Well... I guess we shall find out but I'm sure ill do all of the above plus some.
The following is a rough sum of that day... if you don't want to know then just exit out but this is part of my personal grieving process.
Looking back on everything that happened that day is a freaking nightmare. I'm sitting here remembering where I was and what I was doing. At 11:10pm the night before I was impatiently waiting for midnight so I could leave work and fo eat at ihop with friends from work. At 12 I was hopping in my car heading two minutes up the road to ihop and by 12:15 seated and ordering food while texting Steve. I didn't lwave ihop that night until 5 am (ish). I had been talking with a friend about our dogs. I stopped at the valero by the house and grabbed Steve a coke and was home by the time it was daylight. We talked for a bit and I layed down to sleep and a little later he moved me over so he could sleep. A little later his breathing woke up bc I knew it was off.. I woke up completely and realized he was having a seizure. After running outside to call 911 (and was put on hold for a minute) the first responders finally came and soon after the ambulance. I begged and pleaded with him ti stay with me the whole time before they got there. They loaded him and where supposed to rake him to st Josephs hospital and a few minutes larer I followed.. only when I got there he wasn't there. He had coded and they took him to arkadelphia to the hospital. By the time I was going through Bismarck I felt he had gone. Just felt it in my bones. Its nothing I could ever truly explain. When I reached the hospital I didn't have anything to say..not even when the doctor told me they did everything they could. There are, in fact, no words that you can say or anyone else can say. There is nothing that can bring the love of your life back. I fell apart that day. I became a completely different person. I don't laugh as much, I'm very down a lot. I'm more straightforward and don't mince words any longer. I don't care about others feelings unless its someone I'm really close too. I have a handful of true friends and some of those I even have to wonder about. This whole experience has been a nightmare and not one I'd wish on the most evil person on this earth.
Happy Angelversary my darling. I miss you more than words can say. All my love, your Honeysuckle Rose
